Donnerstag, 2. Februar 2012

pRivAte TaKe-oFF SKillS

Ryanair - the most comfortable airline in the world - offers somewhat more expensive version of their seats that is called “Priority Boarding”.  Still don’t quite get why people would prefer paying more for the totally un-delightful gimmick of boarding a plane ahead of all others…

Frankly, my measures of common sense do not detect that logic; I would need to be earlier than on time, my luggage would be placed first meaning that all the sticky backpacks are being thrown on top of mine, and when I’m already seated there will be still a billion people boarding squeezing, being noisy, hitting my temples when mounting their trolleys in the overhead bins, bumping their fatty hips into my shoulder, sneezing down on me and maybe even farting right into my nose since my smelling sense would be in pole position to their rectums. Purely disadvantageous, like confusing an almost empty beer can with one that has already become an ashtray . I wouldn’t even buy it if it was the cheapest option!

I’d rather prefer approaching the plane after I have heard my name over the pa system. So I’d just have to walk down the aisle and grab a seat whilst everyone else is already getting comfy.

They never leave without calling you. Trust me. Just chill. There is always enough time to get to the plane still. In fact it’s quite relaxed. No one is weighing  my suitcase or trying to press it into the cage thingy for checking its size because they ‘d simply want to leave. I just smile affirmatively, raise my eyebrows saying “sorry”. Everybody will be happy that I have finally arrived and they can close the freaking gangway at last.  

Sometimes  if there is none of these track-like gangways they send a private chauffeur who drives down to the airplanes lot. Huge taxis I tell. You can even lay down.

So, I usually climb up the stairways and am welcomed by a handsome steward, who  explains: “Excuse me ma’am, there is no space left for your luggage. May I store it in the front?” Bingo! “Yes you may, my dear!” So before taking a seat I am scanning whether one of the first rows is left completely empty. To explain: If not fully booked, Ryanair balances the aircrafts by centering everyone closer to the overwing exits in the center (yes, I know some of that airplane jargon).

After take-off and seatbelt sign being switched off I am asking the lovely steward whether I could lay down in the front because I wouldn’t feel well. “ Surely, ma’m!!” Of course he tells me smilingly that I may  before he has to clean away some vomit and may provoke a chain reaction in the plane thus a bigger mess. Mwhahahaha! Always works!  So I sleep soundly during the whole flight and am not even disturbed to buy a lottery ticket or flabby non-smoking cigarettes. I wake up gently when the airplane touches the ground, am handed out my luggage, walk off the plane first and friendly people are wishing me an excellent stay.


  1. Ahh, who doesn't love taxis where you can lay down...
    I've never thought about it like that.
    Maybe because I never took a flight somewhere, hmmm....
    Anyway, in case you came up with that yourself, I'd be really impressed ^__^