Sonntag, 5. August 2012

IlluminationX


04.08.12-Today at my grandpas 80. Birthday celebration I got to know his siblings who just saw me when i was a kid. I was looking forward to the event but expected people to be cold, in ties and gossiping. Instead I experienced a room full of unconditional love. Most were couples. old ones and fresh ones like my cousins. I had a fight before with my grandpa. he doesn’t see me doing anything about my life since I studied, well he just thinks I am wasting my talent, which I actually am. But the past few days for me, some very heavy events happened that changed my life and world order completely. I hurt somebody deeply and interfered into something I shouldn’t have done, trying to enforce something that had already been there. I was not respectful to people, my friends, family and last and least to myself. I was first cold as a stone thinking about me only. Then my feelings popped up. I was dizzy couldn’t eat and sleep for the last 4 days, something started eating me from the inside. Apathy, agony, grief and then today the release. I entered the room and all I could feel was a strong urging feeling in the stomach of love that it over flows my whole body, the whole room, time and space. I now enter into a peaceful mode. Sometimes bad things have to happen so you realize what you got around you and how you can actually turn around anything in life. I was bulimic all through my childhood. From 11 to 23. I experienced lots of suffering and loneliness. lost my faith in the world. now, I wrote long letters to people  I shouldn’t actually push anymore. For me it is the transition from bulimia to bulimia of letters. And again I was weighting my problem most on the people I like most. Leaving people suffer for my problems and indecisiveness. And more  over letting it happen again, eventhough I told myself I would never go back to it. The more I focus on a problem, the less I let it go and am finally free. I understood today, how we can all be in peace and free. Its unconditional trust, unconditional love and patience with yourself and the environment and the ability to accept and receive and then there is something unexplainable happening to you... you stop judging, you stop competing

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